What I Wish Clients Knew Before Starting EMDR

EMDR can sound mysterious before you’ve experienced it. You may understand the basic idea but still wonder what you’re actually supposed to do once the processing begins.

I find that clients feel more comfortable with EMDR when they understand the process and know they have some agency within it. These are some of the things I teach my own clients before and during EMDR—things that can make the process feel less intimidating and help us work together more effectively.

There’s no single right way to experience EMDR

One of the most common concerns I hear is some version of: Am I doing this right? People process differently. Some process quietly; some talk. Some experience a lot of emotion, while others notice thoughts, images, memories, physical sensations, or connections they weren’t expecting. Sometimes very little seems to happen at first.

There isn’t a particular response I’m waiting for. During processing, I’ll periodically check in and ask what you’re noticing. I’m trying to understand where the process is going and whether we should continue as we are or whether you need something different from me. Mostly, I want you to notice what happens and communicate with me about your experience.

Sometimes the best thing to do is keep going

When I pause the bilateral stimulation to check in, you may still be right in the middle of something. If you’re actively processing and don’t want me to interrupt you, let me know. You can shake your head or give me another signal that means keep going.

Sometimes stopping to explain what’s happening brings your attention back to me and to the room when something important was already unfolding internally. We don’t necessarily need to interrupt that just because we’ve reached the end of a set. You have some say in the rhythm of the process.

There are other times when I very much want to know what’s happening. If the experience becomes too intense, if you lose touch with the memory, become confused or disconnected, notice yourself drifting away, or feel as though you can’t remain present with what we’re doing, tell me. We can slow things down, help you reconnect with the room, change what we’re doing, or stop processing.

EMDR isn’t an endurance test, and more distress doesn’t necessarily mean better processing. I want the work to be productive without overwhelming your ability to stay present with it. This is one place where my training in Attachment-Focused EMDR influences the way I work: safety, attunement, the therapeutic relationship, and adapting the work to the individual are particularly important in this approach.

Tell me when you’re stuck

Sometimes processing moves. A thought changes, a physical sensation shifts, another memory appears, or something begins to make sense differently. And sometimes you find yourself going around in circles, returning repeatedly to the same thought, image, or feeling without anything changing.

I want to know when that happens. Part of my job is recognizing when processing has become stuck and helping determine what might help it move again. That may mean an interweave, shifting our focus, working with something that’s blocking the process, adding resources, or taking a different approach. Getting stuck is something we work with together.

Sometimes the present is connected to something much older

Sometimes a reaction in the present seems surprisingly intense. Maybe your partner is annoyed with you and you suddenly feel devastated. Someone doesn’t respond to a text and you feel abandoned. Your boss offers relatively ordinary criticism and your body reacts as though something terrible has happened.

That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re overreacting. Sometimes the present experience has touched something older.

When I suspect that, I may use a technique called bridging, also sometimes called floating back. I may ask you to notice the feeling, belief, or body sensation connected with what’s happening now and allow your mind to drift back to an earlier time when you remember feeling something similar. Bridging is used in Attachment-Focused EMDR to help identify earlier experiences that may be connected to present difficulties.

Clients sometimes hear that instruction and immediately begin searching their history: When have I felt like this before? Was it my mother? Maybe middle school? Was there something with my ex? That’s understandable, but I’m not asking you to solve the mystery intellectually. I’m asking you to notice what comes up.

Sometimes a memory appears that seems completely logical. Sometimes one appears that makes very little sense. You might say, “I don’t think this is related, but…” I’m interested in what comes after the but.

The connection between two experiences doesn’t have to be obvious from the story. They may share an emotion, a physical sensation, or something you came to believe about yourself: I’m powerless. I’m not safe. I’m going to be left. I don’t matter. It’s my job to keep everyone okay. We can become curious about what comes up without forcing it to fit. Sometimes the connection becomes important; sometimes it doesn’t. We follow what emerges and see where it leads.

Sometimes noticing is more useful than explaining

Most of us have a strong idea that therapy means talking, and sometimes talking is exactly what’s needed. Things may need to be understood, spoken aloud, or witnessed by another person. But during EMDR processing, there are also times when a long explanation can pull your attention away from what you’re experiencing.

If you’re explaining something to me and I ask, What do you notice right now? or Where do you feel that? I’m not doing it because I’m uninterested in the story. I’m trying to help you stay close enough to the experience to notice what happens next.

You may notice an image, an emotion, a thought, an impulse, a tightening in your throat, pressure in your chest, a change in your breathing, or something else entirely. There’s no need to interpret it immediately. My throat feels tight gives us useful information all by itself.

Your body can give us useful information

You may know intellectually that you’re safe and still feel your stomach drop. You may understand that you weren’t responsible for what happened and notice your chest tighten when you say it. You may be completely clear that your current partner isn’t your ex and still have a powerful reaction when their tone of voice changes.

It doesn’t mean your body secretly knows some objective truth that your conscious mind doesn’t. It means our learned emotional responses don’t always change simply because we understand something differently now. During EMDR, paying attention to physical sensations can help us track those responses without requiring you to immediately explain or analyze them.

What looks like resistance may actually be protection

I’ve never particularly liked the way the word resistance can be used in therapy. It can make it sound as though the client is being difficult, refusing to get better, or interfering with the therapist’s plans. I tend to look at it differently.

If part of you suddenly wants nothing to do with a memory, I want to know why. If you go blank every time we approach something, that’s information. If one part of you desperately wants to change while another part keeps pulling away, I’m interested in both.

What we’re calling resistance may have a protective function. Something about approaching the material may feel unsafe, overwhelming, disloyal, shameful, or simply too much right now. Rather than trying to overpower that response, we can work with it.

Sometimes we need more preparation or resourcing. Sometimes we work with the fear surrounding the memory before approaching the memory itself. Sometimes the protective response becomes part of what we work with, and sometimes the answer is simply not yet. Respecting that isn’t a failure of EMDR; safety, resourcing, flexibility, and adapting the work to the client are central to Attachment-Focused EMDR.

You can choose how much detail you share

EMDR doesn’t require a detailed verbal retelling of every traumatic experience. I need enough information to understand what we’re working with and to practice responsibly, but there may be parts of an experience you don’t want to describe.

We can often work with what you’re feeling, believing, remembering, or noticing physically without my knowing every detail of what happened. For some clients, knowing this makes trauma work considerably less frightening.

Preparation is part of EMDR too

Not everyone should walk into therapy and immediately start processing their most painful memory. With some clients, preparation is relatively straightforward. With others—particularly when there has been developmental or relational trauma, dissociation, significant difficulty regulating emotion, or very little experience of feeling safe in relationships—we may spend considerably more time building stability and resources first.

My Attachment-Focused EMDR training influences this part of my work as well. The approach places particular emphasis on resource development and Resource Tapping to support stabilization and strengthen a client’s capacity for trauma processing.

Taking time to prepare isn’t something we do instead of the “real” therapy. It is part of the therapy.

EMDR doesn’t require that you surrender control

Trauma often involves experiences in which choice or control was limited or taken away. I don’t want trauma therapy to recreate that dynamic.

You can tell me to keep going or to stop. You can tell me you’re stuck, overwhelmed, disconnected, confused, or that something unexpected has come up. You can choose not to describe something. And I may sometimes suggest that we slow down even when a part of you wants to push ahead.

Over years of practicing EMDR, I’ve found that clients often become more comfortable with the process once they realize there isn’t a particular way they’re supposed to perform it. There is a structure to EMDR, and that structure matters. But within it, there is room for attunement, flexibility, creativity, curiosity, and the individual person sitting in front of me.

We pay attention to what emerges, adjust when something isn’t working, and move at a pace that allows the work to be productive without losing sight of safety. You don’t need to know where the process is going; figuring that out together is part of the work.