Thinking About Therapy? A Note for Teenagers

Apr 10

Maybe someone else thinks you should go to therapy.

Maybe you think you might want to.

Or maybe you're not convinced you need it at all and are wondering why you would tell a complete stranger things you don't necessarily want to talk about.

All of those are reasonable places to start.

Therapy can be strange at first. You're sitting with an adult you don't know, being asked about parts of your life that may be personal, complicated, embarrassing, painful, or simply none of anyone else's business.

So before you decide whether therapy is something you're willing to try, it may help to know what working with me is actually like.

You deserve to be taken seriously

Being a teenager can put you in an odd position.

You're old enough to understand a great deal about yourself and the world around you, and you're developing your own ideas about who you are and what you want. At the same time, adults still make many decisions that affect your life.

Sometimes the adults around you understand you well.

Sometimes they don't.

You may feel that people are trying to help but aren't actually listening. You may be tired of being told what you should think or feel. Or there may be things you simply don't want to discuss with your parents, no matter how good your relationship with them is.

Part of adolescence is becoming increasingly independent and figuring out who you are apart from your family. Friends often become enormously important during this time.

Therapy gives you something a little different: an adult perspective from someone who isn't your parent, teacher, coach, or friend and doesn't have a personal agenda for what your life should look like.

My job isn't to decide who you should become.

It's to understand what's happening from your perspective and help you think through what you want.

What you tell me is private—with some important exceptions

Privacy matters in therapy, particularly when you're a teenager.

I don't routinely report the details of our conversations to your parents. You need enough privacy to be able to talk honestly, and I take that seriously.

There are, however, legal and ethical limits to confidentiality. Depending on the circumstances, I may have to take action if I'm concerned about serious safety issues, abuse or neglect, or another situation in which the law requires disclosure.

We'll talk about those limits clearly so you know what they are. I don't want confidentiality to feel like a trick where you discover the rules only after you've told me something important.

If a situation comes up in which I believe information needs to be shared, whenever possible I want you involved in understanding what is happening and why.

There may also be times when you want help talking with a parent or another adult. We can figure out together what you want them to understand and how I can support you.

You don't have to tell me everything

Therapy doesn't work because I somehow convince you to reveal every secret you've ever had.

You get to decide what you're ready to talk about.

If something feels difficult to put into words, we can go slowly. Sometimes we can work with the feelings, thoughts, or reactions connected to an experience without discussing every detail of what happened.

I use approaches including EMDR and Havening Techniques® when they're appropriate, and those methods don't always require an extensive verbal retelling of a difficult experience.

You can also simply tell me:

I don't want to talk about that yet.

That's useful information too.

I'm difficult to shock

People sometimes worry that what they're thinking, feeling, or doing is too strange, embarrassing, serious, or unacceptable to tell a therapist.

I've worked with teenagers dealing with anxiety, trauma, bullying, family conflict, grief, identity questions, relationship problems, academic pressure, body image, self-esteem, substance use, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, abuse, loneliness, anger, and experiences that are difficult to put into any particular category.

You don't need to clean up the story before you tell it to me.

And my job isn't to shame you for what you bring into the room.

I will take you seriously, though.

Not judging you doesn't mean I'll automatically agree with everything you do or tell you that every choice is a good one. Sometimes part of therapy is looking honestly at whether something is helping you, hurting you, or getting in the way of the life you want.

We can disagree about something without me deciding there's something wrong with you.

Therapy isn't only for when something is terribly wrong

You don't have to be in crisis to have a reason to see a therapist.

Maybe you're anxious all the time.

Maybe school feels overwhelming.

Maybe friendships or relationships are complicated.

Maybe something happened that you can't stop thinking about—or something happened a long time ago that you wish didn't still affect you.

Maybe you're struggling with how you feel about yourself or your body.

Maybe things at home are difficult.

Maybe you're trying to understand your identity.

Maybe you're angry and don't entirely know why.

Or maybe your life looks fine from the outside and you still don't feel okay.

Those are all things we can talk about.

Therapy can also be about figuring out what you want, learning how to communicate more effectively, understanding your relationships, making decisions, setting boundaries, or becoming more comfortable being yourself.

Your parents and I have different jobs

Parents and caregivers are personally invested in your life. Usually that's because they care deeply about what happens to you.

It also means they aren't neutral.

They may worry. They may have strong opinions about what you should do. They may understand you beautifully in some ways and completely miss you in others.

I have a different role.

I care about your safety and well-being, but I'm not raising you. I'm not grading you. I'm not deciding whether you can go out Friday night.

That gives us room to think together.

Sometimes I may understand why your parents are concerned even when you don't agree with them. Sometimes I may understand your perspective when you feel as though nobody else does.

I don't see my job as choosing a side.

My job is to help you understand what is happening and find ways of handling it that make sense for your life.

You get to decide whether I feel like the right therapist

The relationship you have with your therapist matters.

You don't have to immediately trust me because I'm a therapist, and you don't have to tell me personal things just because an adult made an appointment.

Trust is something we build.

I will be honest with you. I'll tell you when I don't know something. I'll listen to what you actually mean rather than assuming I know because I'm older. And if something I'm doing isn't helping, I want you to be able to tell me.

Sometimes teenagers come to therapy reluctantly and discover that having a place that belongs to them is useful.

Sometimes a therapist simply isn't the right fit.

Both are possible.

You don't have to know before we meet.

One last thing

I genuinely enjoy working with teenagers.

Not because I think teenagers need adults to straighten them out.

I like this period of life because so much is still being figured out: who you are, what matters to you, what kinds of relationships you want, which things you've been taught actually fit you, and which don't.

There can be a lot of pressure during those years.

There can also be a remarkable amount of possibility.

Therapy can give you a place where you don't have to have all of that figured out yet.

You can start wherever you are.

Alisa Vincent